I’m a Therapist. Here’s How to Help Your Partner with ED
Dealing with erectile dysfunction in a relationship isn’t easy for either partner. And if you’re the partner of a man with ED, knowing how to approach the topic without hurting his feelings or making him feel inadequate can be tricky, particularly because the condition itself can present in a number of ways.
Erectile dysfunction (ED) in relationships can take many forms. Perhaps his inability to perform is sudden, or maybe he can get things going but loses his erection during sex. Or you could be worried that maybe, just maybe, it’s because of you.
There are many causes of ED, but for the majority of men struggling to get or maintain an erection, a lack of interest in their partner isn’t to blame. If anything, anxiety about making a partner happy is a more likely culprit.
The bad news is that a poor reaction—even one that’s involuntary—to a failed erection can exacerbate some intimacy problems.
So what can you do? What should you do? If you want those answers, you’ve come to the right place.
Below, licensed therapist Lucas Saiter, LMHC, owner and director of Manhattan Therapy NYC, offers tips on how to help your partner with erectile dysfunction (along with what to avoid), and outlines what ED treatments are available. Ultimately, whether it’s a husband, a boyfriend, or a casual fling who’s dealing with ED, you’ll want to adopt an approach of care and empathy.
How to Help a Partner with ED
Erectile dysfunction is a common sexual performance issue where men struggle to get or maintain a firm enough erection for satisfying sex. While a night of drinking may cause performance issues from time to time, a recurring pattern of failed erections typically signals a disorder — in fact, it’s the very definition of one.
Many guys view their sexual performance as a matter of pride—and many are also their own worst critics. If you’ve noticed erection issues from your partner, there’s a good chance he’s not only also aware but worried about the potential impact the situation may have on your relationship.
Know this: ED is treatable, and while you may not be a doctor, it’s possible to overcome the issue together and enjoy a satisfying, fulfilling sex life by first discussing it with your partner in the right way, and then taking the next steps together.
“Approaching a partner about ED requires empathy,” says Saiter. “Many men tie erections to masculinity, so it’s essential to avoid framing ED as a failure.”
The best thing you can do provide support and judgment-free acceptance through the following strategies:
Know the facts
Choose an appropriate time to talk
Be open and supportive
Acknowledge that it’s a common problem
Encourage him to seek medical advice
Let’s look at how to get in the right mindset for each strategy.
Know the Facts
Before you do anything, you should know the facts about ED — so here’s a quick primer.
Causes of erectile dysfunction include physical medical conditions (such as heart disease) and psychological factors (like performance anxiety). Even some medications can cause ED.
Ultimately, the simple explanation is that while he is aroused and wants to have sex, something is getting in the way of blood flow to the penis required for an erection.
Diagnosing the condition on your own can be tricky, especially if your partner’s ED is off and on, as is the case with temporary erectile dysfunction.
Some men with ED are totally unable to get an erection. However, others can get an erection in some situations, but not in every instance they want to have sex. Some guys find it easy to get an erection but difficult to maintain one long enough to have satisfying sex with their partners.
No matter what the specifics are for your partner’s case, he’ll benefit from receiving medical help to address the problem. And that’s likely something you can’t provide.
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Choose an Appropriate Time to Talk
Armed with the facts about ED, it’s important that you approach your partner at the right time.
“Start by choosing a relaxed and private time to talk—not in the middle of a sexual encounter,” advises Saiter. “Use ‘we’ language, like: ‘I’ve noticed we haven’t been as connected lately, want to talk about it?’ Show that your concern comes from care, not disappointment.”
Be Open and Supportive
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a partner with ED is to be the first one to acknowledge the problem, as long as you do so in a judgment-free space. The truth is that guys are often embarrassed when they can’t get it up, so acknowledging that first can help create space for conversation.
Let him know you’re not bothered by it, that it isn’t a big deal, and that you can treat it as a couple. By creating a comfortable environment in which neither you nor your partner is worried or embarrassed, you’ll be able to take the next steps and start treating his ED.
ED is often associated with older men, but guys of all ages can struggle with the condition — in fact, young men may suffer more from mental health-related ED.
And as Saiter outlined, ED can function as a threat to a man’s masculinity, as well as his self-worth, and perceived value to sexual partners. So if your boyfriend, husband, or sexual partner is affected by erectile dysfunction, discussing it can feel really, really difficult, highlighting the importance of being empathetic and supportive.
Point Out That It’s a Common Problem
One crucial aspect of dealing with ED is understanding that it’s extremely common. In fact, according to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), at least 30 million men in the United States are affected by some degree of erectile dysfunction.
Open communication is the key for handling ED solutions for couples. But since talking about erectile dysfunction socially isn’t very common, many guys aren’t aware of just how widespread ED truly is amongst men of all ages.
That’s where you come in: “Normalise that ED is common and often treatable,” says Saiter. Point out that ED occurs in tens of millions of men in the U.S. alone — and likely hundreds of millions worldwide.
Put simply, make him feel less alone. Letting your partner know ED is increasingly common and nothing to be ashamed about can make it easier for the two of you to acknowledge the issue and shift your focus toward taking action.
Encourage Him to Seek Medical Advice
While it’s ultimately up to your partner to seek treatment, clearly offering your support can be helpful too.
“Encourage him to speak with a healthcare provider, reassuring him that seeking help doesn’t make him weak,” says Saiter. “Offer to attend an appointment or explore treatment options together. This shows that you’re a team. Lastly, remind him that intimacy is more than erections. Emotional safety and vulnerability are just as essential."
Understand the Dos and Don’ts of Helping a Partner with ED
It’s no secret that dealing with ED in a relationship sucks — especially if your partner, boyfriend, or husband has ED and refuses help.
At a certain point, it’s on them to seek treatment, and that may be frustrating if they’re not receptive to the support and help you’re offering to help make that happen.
To help ensure a healthy, supportive, and patient environment, keep these important dos and don’ts to keep in mind:
Do discuss ED openly with your partner. When erectile dysfunction happens, it’s hard to ignore. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. Instead, discuss it openly with your partner so you can work together toward a solution.
Don’t blame your partner for their erectile dysfunction. Your man’s self-esteem and mental health might already be taking a toll, so there’s no need to fuel the fire. ED is a medical issue, not a sign of weakness or lack of sexual attraction. Use sensitive language and avoid saying anything that could imply your partner is to blame for their erectile dysfunction. While you and your partner may be feeling sexually frustrated, being careful with what you say can make a difference.
Do ask your partner how you can help. When ED occurs in a relationship, it becomes an issue you can solve as a couple. Let your partner know you’re happy to help them and ask if you can do anything to improve things. Foreplay, flirting, and sex toys can also help you keep the sexual activity fun and functioning, without any penetrative sex.
Don’t insist on doing things your way. Let your partner explain why they think the ED is occurring, as well as what they think might help. They might be relieved to finally have a chance to talk openly about a problem that’s been bothering them.
Do let your partner know about available treatments. If your partner isn’t aware of the treatment options for ED, consider letting them know that they may be able to improve their erectile function and sexual health with the help of medication and/or healthy habits.
Don’t pressure your partner to treat their ED right away. ED can be a stressful issue for most men, and your partner might need some time to think about their options before they’re ready to consider ED treatments.
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Tell Your Partner You Support ED Treatments
If your partner has ED, it can be hard for both of you to cope. We know it, and even if they’re not saying so out loud, they do, too.
Here’s the silver lining: Although erectile dysfunction can be a frustrating issue to deal with in the short term, the good news is it’s almost always treatable.
Once your partner decides to treat their ED, their first step should be to consult a licensed healthcare provider.
This could mean talking with their primary care provider, meeting with a urologist (a doctor who specialises in the male reproductive system), or talking to a licensed healthcare provider online about ED medication.
Since ED can be difficult to talk about, your partner might choose the option that feels best for them.
To diagnose ED, your partner’s healthcare provider might ask them about their sexual history, general health, and symptoms. They might also carry out a physical exam to check for health issues that could cause or contribute to erectile dysfunction.
If the healthcare provider thinks your partner’s symptoms are caused by a physical issue, they may recommend a blood test.
Blood testing can help uncover certain physical causes of ED, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, atherosclerosis, or low testosterone.
That said, several common treatments can typically help most men get back in the game: medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes.
Medication for Erectile Dysfunction
Lots of guys associate ED drugs with older men and have concerns about the way their partners might react if they take them.
The fact is that ED medications — like sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra Connect®) and tadalafil (generic Cialis Together®) — are highly effective at improving sexual function. Still, many men are hesitant to try them.
These medications belong to a class of drugs called PDE5 inhibitors. They work by dilating the blood vessels that provide the penis with its blood supply. This improves blood flow and helps men with erectile dysfunction maintain a firm erection during sex.
All these medications come in tablet form, making them easy for your partner to use about 15 to 60 minutes before sex, depending on the medication.
If your partner brings up the topic of ED medications, let them know you’re comfortable with them using prescription medication to improve their sexual performance and reduce the severity of their ED.
While it might not seem like a big deal to you, letting your partner know you support them if they choose to use medication can have a big impact. For many men, a partner’s approval can help them to get over a mental hurdle that previously stood in the way of seeking treatment.
If it helps, they can choose alternatives like chewable ED meds or investigate some other common ED treatments.
Therapy for ED
When erectile dysfunction is caused by a psychological condition, psychotherapy can be an effective treatment option.
Several forms of therapy are used to treat ED, including sex therapy techniques. Therapy for ED may involve your partner meeting with a psychotherapist or sex therapist independently. Or it could be the two of you taking part in therapy as a couple.
Psychological treatments such as therapy can be effective on their own or in combination with ED medication.
Directing your partner to convenient and discreet ways to get help (like online therapy, if they are dealing with embarrassment) can speed up the process while communicating to them that you’re sensitive to their feelings.
Lifestyle and Habit Changes
Sometimes, a person’s habits and overall lifestyle can increase their risk of developing ED. Working together to change any unhealthy habits may help improve their sexual performance and general health.
Good habits for improving sexual dysfunction include exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, and quitting smoking. Others, such as eating a balanced diet and getting a healthy amount of sleep, may also help to reduce the severity of sexual issues.
For more information on naturally protecting your erection, check out our guide, full of actionable tips.
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Helping Your Partner With ED: Next Steps
Sexual intimacy is essential for a healthy, happy relationship. Erectile dysfunction can get in the way and contribute to relationship issues. The good news is that with active, ongoing treatment, most guys can restore sexual function and enjoy both satisfying sex and a better quality of life.
Erectile dysfunction can be a sensitive subject. There are a few things to avoid when discussing it with your partner, like expressing disappointment or that you’re feeling unfulfilled.
Erectile dysfunction is also incredibly common. It affects around 30 million men in the U.S. alone.
With a supportive partner, most men will feel more comfortable treating their ED and improving their sexual performance. If your partner has ED, don’t be afraid to help them. Use the tips and techniques above to talk to them about the problem, let them know you care, and provide them with the support and information they need to treat it.
Looking for more resources on how to help you partner with ED? Review this guide on how to have sex with ED, check out these non-penetrative sex ideas, and get tips on how to help men last longer.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment or medication.